This morning, while walking the dogs, my sneakers started to give me a blister. I was about a mile from home and I had planned on walking farther. I didn't want to continue walking in them because it had started to hurt and I was far enough from my house to know that walking back wasn't going to do me any good, so I took them off and threw them in a clothing donation bin outside a BP gas station.

I've been having quite a bit of anxiety and stress lately. Some of it stems from dealing with dad's house and belongings, but a lot comes from dealing with my own. I recently bought a house. It's got some issues. Some I knew about and some I didn't. It's this thing I have to think about though. Maybe I don't have to but I do. I also have two dogs. Two, crazy mutts I brought home from the pound because nobody wanted them. They act up when I'm gone. That ends up being something I feel guilty about. Maybe I don't have to. I also take care of my dad's cat when I'm in South Dakota. If I'm not there, I find someone to watch him. That  weighs on me as well. I need to figure out what to do with the cat. He's elderly and lonely out at the house since we found homes for the other animals. I'll stop with those things because this isn't intended to be a list of things I feel responsible for. It's a new thing for me. Two years ago, I didn't have a home, I didn't even have an apartment or a chair. I miss that. It was so easy for me to be present in the moment. To have humor and whimsy.  Joy de vivre. I was going out drinking to much, but I can honestly say that I was happy. For me. I've always struggled with erratic ups and downs, but the ups were elating during that time. Those are what I miss. To be able to open the car window and think only of the sensation of the wind on your face. I didn't worry about anything because I didn't have anything to worry about.

I've been reading a lot of articles lately. I read the news, I read about meditation, I read about mindfulness, I read about stress, I read about curing back aches through the mind. You fucking name it. I know all this. I used to be the one telling other people this. If you don't like your life you just change it. But now I'm the one who's stuck.

I read an article today about a woman who recently lost 100 pounds. Those articles are a dime a dozen, but this one stuck out to me. The woman in the article had done the typical have a couple of kids, neglect yourself and gain a bunch of weight. Then, she lost it all, became a personal trainer and came up with some fitness plan that Oprah loved. That's usually the story you hear. However, this woman gained it back again. A personal trainer with a successful nationwide fitness plan fell off her own damn wagon. The very wagon she built and mass produced for others.

So I threw away my shoes. I guess technically I walked an extra three blocks to put them in the clothing donation bin because I felt guilty about throwing them in the trash. It was a small step toward getting back to a good place. They were bugging me, so I got rid of them.

I made breakfast, but the dog stole it when I went in the other room. I threw a glass of water on her head because I was mad and had one in my hand and then I ate blueberry pie for breakfast.  Maybe I should have thanked the dog for being ill behaved and creating a scenario where, I myself, was ill behaved. 

I'm not sure why I threw water on the dog. She must think I'm insane.

I applied for a job today, sort of

I emailed them and said I would consider taking it if I was allowed to be in charge and have a grow room in the studio. And I'm only willing to work four days a week. Oh, and I want them to give my boyfriend insurance. I almost tacked on that I need a minimum of 18 days vacation, but I'll wait for an initial response before broaching my vacation needs.

I felt very sure of this at the time. Peculiarly sure for someone who has never held down a job before. Eh, maybe it's easier for the not employed to make demands. I don't need the job after all, I'm more curious about how it will go than anything.

I prefer the term "not employed" as opposed to unemployed. Unemployed would imply a lack of employment. Employment is certainly something I do not feel I am in lack of. Employment is like bed sheets. Most people think you simply cannot live without the flat sheet but they're really just irrelevant and constricting.

I felt less sure of my "application" about an hour later, so I did some naked yoga and meditation. I was so relaxed and content that I rubbed one out. I have to say I felt positively invigorated after that trifecta and no longer care whether I have a job or not. Fuck the flat sheet though.